tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS November 23, 2016 10:35pm-11:37pm CST
captioning sponsored by cbs >> and now a "late show" thanksgiving message. >> hi, i'm a thanksgiving turkey here with a special holiday message. but first, i'd like to get something off my breast. would you please stop using your hand to draw me? depictionave turkey. i mean, look at me. i'm an abomination, a freak of nature, four stubby feathers. and where where's my waddle, my sole means of attracting a mate. without it i'll die alone and never know the sensuous touch of a hand. by the way, why do you even draw turkeys on thanksgiving.
onions in our anal cavities and eat us. you soulless monsters. all right, cbs, i'm getting to it. happy thanksgiving, gobble, gobble, see you in hell. >> it's "the late show with stephen colbert." tonight, stephen welcomes danny devito, max greenfield, and musical guest okay go. featuring jon batiste and stay human. ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey! hey, nice to see you.
>> stephen: what's going on, chris? what's going on, mark ?rk hey, everybody. welcome to "the late show"" everybody. i'm your host, stephen colbert. happy thanksgiving eve! i have a lot to be thankful for. i have my friends i work with. we live in the greatest country in the world, that's for sure. and you know who has a lot to be thankful donald trump. not only is he going to be the president, but he has the most amazing family. yesterday he told staffers at "the new york times" that his son-in-law jared kushner could help broker peace in the middle east. and after that, maybe he could broker peace between america and the other half of america. ( laughter ) ( applause ) just like-- please. plus, donald trump is the
sure, lincoln made a fortune on those logs, but then he lost it all on his giant hat addiction. ( laughter ) very sad. and with all of trump's businesses, there are bound to be conflicts of interest. for instance, last week "about 100 foreign diplomats from brazil to turkey, gathered at the trump international hotel in washington d.c. to sip trump-branded champagne, dine on sliders, and hear a sales pitch about the u.s. president-elect's newest hotel." well, c i mean, those mini-burgers make tiny hands look huge. ( cheers and applause ) but i'm not sure the sales pitch was even necessary. one diplomat said: "why wouldn't i stay at his hotel blocks from the white house, so i can tell the new president, 'i love your new
city and say, 'i am staying at your competitor?'" yeah, it would be rude for a foreign diplomat to meet president trump and not stay at a trump hotel, same way it would be rude to come to america to meet president kennedy and not fly into j.f.k. and last week, trump also met with some of his indian business partners who are building a trump-branded luxury apartment complex south of mumbai, seen here on twitter, giving trump the thumbs up and ethics the middle finger. ( laughter ) , of course, now that he is going to be the president, business donald trump's attention. he's got to save that for twitter, like his recent tweets about "saturday night live." "i watched parts of @nbcsnl "saturday night live" last night. it is a totally one-sided biased show, nothing funny at all. equal time for us?" ( laughter ) ( applause ) "equal time for us?" ( cheers and applause ) equal-- i don't understand. what does that mean, "equal time for us?"
you're going to be the president. that's the guy who gets made fun of. if you wanted to be someone everyone loves, you should have run for ice cream man. and it's the perfect job for someone who can dish it out but can't take it. ( cheers and applause ) and on monday, trump popped over to the youtube to address to the nation. >> today, i would like to an update on the white house transition and our policy plans for the first 100 days. on regulation, i will formulate a rule which says that for every one new regulation, two old regulations must be eliminated. >> stephen: that's right. for every new rule, we lose two old ones. "hmm, okay, so we just set new standards for carbon emissions, so arson and murder are legal
enjoy. of course, the presidency wasn't the only thing people voted on a couple weeks back. there were also a lot of state ballot intiatives. fun fact: a few of them weren't about legalizing pot. there's a weird one in colorado. the state's constitution has some old language in it that still allowed slavery as a punishment for crimes. the ballot initiative would abolish that kind of slavery, and on november 8, it lost. see? you don't have to be depressed about the presidential election. you can be depressed about this instead. here's the deal. there was no organized effort in colorado to keep slavery. so why is it still in there? some people are saying it's because the question on the ballot was confusing. it said, "shall there be an amendment to the colorado constitution concerning the removal of the exception to the prohibition of slavery and involuntary servitude when used as a punishment for persons duly
uhhh... my final answer... what is lincoln, nebraska? ( buzzer ) who is louie pastiewr? ( buzzer ) dammit! why did it have to be so complicated? just write, "should we have slavery?" a) yes. b) no. c) now, look, i'm not racist, but..." ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> jon: hey, hey! i like that one! >> stephen: you like that one? you like that one? you really shouldn't like that one. i'm here to tell you. of course, some of us are happy with the outcome of the presidential election, while others are surviving on cupcakes and bourbon. and after all this tension, it'd be great to take a break from talking politics, except that tomorrow is thanksgiving, that time of year when families come together to be thankful our elections happen only once every four years. i love thanksgiving, 75% of the time, but this is the 25% that
but can we get through this? i believe we can. as long as we remember that blood is thicker than water, and that blood doesn't come out of the linen tablecloth. put the knife down. so this year, you have a family duty to treat your political opinion just like grandma's jello mold-- choke it down, and keep it down until the guests leave. ( applause ) good old grandma. and i'm going to help you tonight. this is "the late show's post-election thanksgiving survival tips," brought to you, as always, by cranberry sauce out of the can. cranberry sauce the jiggling means we made it with hoof ? these are a few guaranteed ways we made it out of hoof.
in turkey has a naturally calming effect, so remember to eat a lot of it while driving to dinner. tip 2: change up recipes. this year instead of ground nutmeg on the pumpkin pie, how about a little shaved xanax? ( laughter ) ( applause ) tip 3: just because dinner's not ready yet doesn't mean you shouldn't be eating. remember, an idle jaw is the devil's playpen. ( laughter ) tip 4: cook a second turkey. not to carve. for everyone to stab. ( laughter ) tip 5: the traditional touch football game is a great way to get out aggression without ruining dinner. so this year, make it tackle to the death. tip 6: create new things to talk about by changing up tradition. for instance, this year, deep fry the turkey. you can't talk about politics when you're busy battling the garage fire. ( laughter ) tip 7: definitely prepare a vegan option for your niece home
on her. ( laughter ) tip 8: remember, these are your relatives, so try not to see them as political opponents but rather as potential kidney donors. stay on their good side. ( laughter ) ( applause ) do all these things-- you never know. do all these things, and i guarantee a wonderful thanksgiving. and that's important because you can pick your friends but you can't pick your relatives-- or, evidently, pick your president, thanks to the electoral college. we've got a great show for you tonight. danny devito is here. but first, when we return, i'm going to help some more americans cook their thanksgiving turkey. stick around, everybody! ? ? ?
e get one free menu and get a second absolutely free. only at applebee's. ? hon, i don't know if i deserve this - i don't really work with my hands. you change a ton of diapers! your usual? not for me - for him. would you like an oatmeal scrub? i already ate, actually. hon, we listen to carol. make my eyes pop? is this supposed to happen? (screams) i'm just kidding. we should do this more often. hold hands? no, sit in crazy chairs. get together and shop small on small business saturday. small business saturday is our day to get out and shop small. a day to support our community
( cheers and applause ) ? ? ? >> stphen: welcome back, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) how about it for the greatest band on television, jon batiste and stay human. ( cheers and applause ) before the break, we were talking about how to keep thanksgiving dinner calm this year. one surefire way to quiet your family is to give them all salmonella by serving raw turkey. another way to prevent that is to call the butterball turkey talkline, which is not, i was disappointed to learn, a hotline where you can talk to a turkey. i have so many questions. what is this thing up here? yesterday, i showed you part one
calls in america's heartland with the good folking at butterball. they say if you can help just one person, that's more than i did. last weekend i flew out to napierville, illinois, the headquartering of the butterball. ( cheers and applause ) got some turkeys here. the butterball turkey talk line, and i sat in with all the good corn-fed information of butterball, and tonight, we want to give you the dramatic conclusion of me t turking. jim. ? ? ? >> "the late show"" presents stephen colbert's turkey tips. >> i visited the butterball call center in napierville, illinois, to talk turkey. hello, this is alan, can i help you? >> i have a question about stuffing. >> stephen: another what's your question about stuffing? >> can i make it wednesday morning and then take it to my
and refrigerate it. >> stephen: how far away does she live? >> between niles and park ridge. where are you located? >> stephen: where am i located? right now, i'm in a federal max prison right now. ( laughter ) they're using inmates to answer the phone calls right now. >> truly, did you do something awful? >> stephen: well, i mean, you don't get on death row for parking tickets. >> oh, my goodness. >> stephen: but you know-- >> i have another call in. >> stephen: i have a lot of calls coming in. >> okay. >> stephen: all right, bye. you'll know it's done when the fire alarm goes off. >> okay, thank you. >> stephen: welcome to the turkey talk line. only the plumpest, fattest thighs, whether you like it white or whether you like it dark, it's time to go down. hi, this is phil. can i help you? ( laughter ). >> yes, i have a question,
starting on sunday, and wednesday i take it out, and we get the giblets out to cook. now we fut back into the refrigerator until thursday morning. and i have a problem with, like, a freezer burn. slight freezer burn because it's thawed, you know. >> stephen: okay, do you have a garage? >> yes. >> stephen: fut in the garage. where are you right now? i'm checking my weather map. where are you dprawlg me? >> already. >> stephen: oh, that's not a good idea. you don't want to garage in florida. >> are you understanding my question, sir? i'm not sure we're on the same page here? >> stephen: the thing to keep in mind is however you cook the bird and however you thaw the bird, remember, this is your journey and no one can judge you. you know how they say dance like nobody is watching? >> yes. >> stephen: i want to you cook like nobody's going to eat. ( laughter ) ( applause ) turkey talk line. this is bobby g., how can i help you?
( ( laughter ). >> i have a couple questions. >> stephen: i only have one answer is the problem, so you're going to have to prioritize. >> i have always made a butterball whole turkey, but since this year, a lot of people just like the white meat, so i'm going to be making the butterball turkey breast. >> stephen: why-- so a lot of people just like the white meat. people aren't responding to the dark meat this year? >> right. >> stephen: why is this year >> because there are different people. >> stephen: different people are coming to dinner. >> right. the question i have is two questions. i notice when i go to the store, the maximum i can find is six pounds. is there bigger turkey breasts than six pounds. >> stephen: absolutely, what's the store guto? >> i usually go to jewel. via -- >> oh, yeah we have a blackout in jewel on anything above six pounds. it's a contract dispute. it's not your problem and you
about. it's a family thing. the owner of jewel broke up with the daughter of butterball and there's a family fight going on. personally, i think it's ridiculous. i'm with the jewel guy. i don't understand why we aren't sending breasts bigger than six pounds. how much do you need? >> it's going to be four people but i like to give them leftovers. >> stephen: we can give you a 22-pound breast. do you have a cvs? >> no. >> stephen: they k behind the pharmaceutical counter. just say, "i want an injection of hot, white meat." and they'll get you the turkey breast. >> is there any place besides this one, sir? >> stephen: let me see. do you have a problem with cvs? >> i don't even i have one in the area. >> stephen: do you have a food lion or piggly wiggly? >> no. >> stephen: or a fairway? >> no. >> stephen: whole foods? >> we might have a whole foods. >> stephen: you might have a
do you have a pizza hut? >> yes, i think so. >> stephen: pizza hut is also going to be selling some of our butterball turkeys this year. >> is there any other place -- >> so pizza hut also doesn't work for you. tell me what you have. >> i have a walmart super center. >> stephen: walmart, oh, they have walmart, yeah. you should have said that. they have a walmart. >> but i don't know if they have the breast, okay? >> stephen: okay not. we don't sell them the breast. they are dark meat, a lot of dark meat. frozen turkey breast, okay -- >> why not some dark meat. >> they don't want it. >> stephen: get some new friends. >> can i talk to somebody else? you're giving me a hard time, sir. >> stephen: okay, look, please accept my apology. don't tell them it was me. don't say my name. do you know my name? did i tell you my name? >> no, you didn't. >> stephen: my name is jimmy fallon. f-a-l-- >> give me a manager. i want to to another representative.
merry christmas. thank you! thank you to everybody at butterball! you're the best! ( cheers and applause ) we'll be right back with danny devito. it's target's electronics doorbusters! you guys are hot, and you ?u...hdtv?, you look great! well i mean... everything looks amazing on you, you are 4k! doors open thursday 6pm. discover card. i'm not a customer, but i'm calling about that credit scorecard. sure! it's free for everyone. oh! well that's nice! and checking your score won't hurt your credit. oh! i'm so proud of you. well thank you. free at at discover.com/creditscorecard, even if you're not a customer.
? ? ? how else do you think he gets around so fast? take the reins this holiday and get the mercedes-benz you've always wanted during the winter event. now lease the 2017 gla250 for $329 a month at your local mercedes-benz dealer. looking for balance in your digestive system? try align probiotic. for a non-stop, sweet treat goodness, hold on to your tiara kind of day. get 24/7 digestive support, with align. the #1 doctor recommended probiotic brand. now in kids chewables.
no more games, jerry. you saw the deal and hustled to u.s. cellular to get yourself the samsung galaxy s7 and 500 bucks. maybe. "maybe," jer-bear? hmm? got your phone and your $500 and put it under your own tree. you after santa's job? it was a one-day deal. sorry, santa. it's no crime to gift yourself. get a samsung galaxy s7 this friday
( cheers and applause ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everyby! my first guest tonight is a producer, director, an emmy- and golden globe-winning actor who's known for everything from "one flew over the cuckoo's nest," to "it's always sunny in philadelphia." please welcome the one, the only, the great, danny devito.
>> stephen: danny devito, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) >> thank you, thank you. ? ? ? all right! okay! >> stephen: please, please. listen, a standing ovation? >> stephen! colbert! >> stephen: do you get that everywhere you go? >> yes! ( laughter ) >> stephen: must be nic you? >> year, it's nice. >> stephen: nice to meet you. >> really nice to meet you. >> stephen: i've been a longtime fan. >> me, too. >> stephen: but i never met you before. this is really exciting for me. >> me, too. strangers with candy, baby. >> stephen: you watch "strangers with candy?" >> oh, yeah. >> stephen: i did not know you were mentally disturbed? >> i, whacked. i am demented. >> stephen: when i see those fans they're people with the shaved eyebrows. you relate to "strangers with
children. >> yeah, i know. and aimee -- >> sedaris. >> you guys are great. >> stephen: we had a lot of fun together. we're still friends. >> yeah, you hang out. that's good. >> stephen: speaking of adults that act like children. are you familiar with the number of people who compare you with pictures of your children. there is a child who has become internet famous, internet famous, looking like you. >> oh, my gosh! ( laughter ) oh, my gosh! >> stephen: are you familiar? >> no, i've never seen that one. but i like the idea of the wet lip. it looks like there's snot coming down. it looks really like, you know, very-- yeah. >> stephen: do you feel like you're looking at a well-moisturized mirror? >> yeah. it makes me hungry, the baby. >> stephen: like you're going to eept the baby? ( laughter ) >> did you ever have dim sum? >> stephen: no i don't think i
why, is it like eating a baby? >> little tiny things, little dump lings. pop them in your mouth. you see! >> stephen: that's a very-- i love that. >> you see! now you know why i watch that show, that sick show. >> stephen: you know what my wife would say after she watched "strangers with candy?" sometimes she would get up and say i want to know how you thought of that show? i said, "because i grew up in america." you've got a new movie now, that you're do called "the comedian." >> i play his brother. >> stephen: in this one he's a comedian who is down on his luck. >> yeah. >> stephen: he got famous from a sitcom. that's all anybody knows him from. he's done some time and now he's out. >> now he's out and he comes to my deli. i have a deli. it's not like a gritty deli. >> stephen: i never said-- i never said it was a gritty deli. i'm sure it getta a fine health rating. >> it's real. >> stephen: we have a clip of
talking about-- >> bobby "d." a little bobby "d" coming up. that's what we're doing right now. let's go do it. let's roll that clip of boab "d." >> stephen: this is a vacation for me. you just go. >> i'm having so much fun. >> stephen: i'm going to take my thanksgiving break right now. you keep talking. this is bobby "d." >> she desert you? >> no, no, she's going to come back. >> cool it, casanova. >> >> you got 30 days. i got life. >> does she know about the money? >> yes. >> it's going to take me a while to pay you back. >> she knows, she knows, and we both agree we don't want you to pay us back. >> what does that mean? what it means is i don't have to do this anymore, you understand? i'm through with this. i'm done with this. you don't come back anymore and ask for anything ever again. >> what are you so mad about? >> i'm not mad. but people don't change.
they are what they are, and that's that. >> what is this? >> you see how it is with her? like, you become a thing. ( laughter ) ( applause ) thank you. >> stephen: who is the older brother in this one. >> bob is the older brother. bob's older. i'm younger. bob's older. that's patty lapone in that scene. >> stephen: i know. you're a baby you have two older sisters. >> i have two older sister s. >> stephen: i was the baby boy. >> it's the best! you're like the prince! >> stephen: yeah. >> like-- i mean, it's like the greatest! how old was your mom when you-- she had you? >> she was 43 when she had me. >> mine, too, 45. it's really, like, a cool thing. you got your sisters were the older ones who took care of you -- >> they're kind of like your moms. >> kind of like your moms and your mother is like your grandmother. >> stephen: a little bit.
my sisters are surprised i ever learned to warwic walk they care around. >> evidence a pain in the ass. imagine two sisters, they're like teenagers, right. my sister-- one of my sisters, 16 years older than me. you can imagine she's going out with a boy, she's got to take me with her. ( laughter ) you know what i mean? and i remember this. i remember this like it was yesterday. i cried like a little brat because they were going to a my sister and her boyfriend took me to a drive-in movie. i sat in the middle! ( laughter ) it was like-- i mean, like, you know, that's really shame-- i'm ashamed of that. ( laughter ). >> stephen: my sister mary is 16 years older than i am. >> there you go! >> stephen: when i was a little boy he was dating a guy from annapolis, and they wear the dress whites. >> that's intimidating. >> stephen: and i'm like a three-year-old kid kid. he's waiting for my sister mayor tow come down to take her to the
came in with chocolate on my hands. and i sat next to him and went, "i like you." ( laughter ) >> it's like a great thing! >> stephen: he didn't yell. that's why my sister was like, "i like this one." you also have a short film that you've made, you've directed. >> yes. >> stephen: that's very dear to your heart called "crumudgeons." it's about two older men in the assisted living facility who fall in love with each other and the families hav that, deal with that emotion. why was that an important story i saw the play offbroadway called "crumudgeons." and my daughter lucy who is in the movie sheerk said when we came out of this play, it was like one of those experience where's it's like fantastic. it was so great. and it was so, like, perfect. she said, "we should make this into a little movie." this was like three years ago. and with the whole thing about gay people getting married now,
really want to do and love the people that they want to love. so we thought it was a really great subject and we made the movie and it's on vimeo by the way, you go vimeo.com/crumbogons. tell me how you think? what you think about it. >> stephen: tweet danny. tweet @danny. >> it was one of those-- the guy who is in it, david margulies. >> stephen: great actor. >> yes, i've been friends with him since before most of these people were born-- not you. ( laughter ). >> stephen: yeah. >> yeah... >> stephen: yeah. >> ah, stephen! >> stephen: oh, danny! you're autopsy about to make your broadway debut. in "the price" on broadway in february. >> that's where i'm going. >> stephen: you've done theater before. you were in the original off
the cuckoo's nest"." >> the genesis of that was kirk douglas read the book, and he commissioned dale wawserman to write the play. dale wasserman wrote the play in the 60s. kirk did it on broadway. didn't go well. it was way ahead of its time in terms of the way people thought about those institution. and i it stayed dormant for a while until people started excited about it. and in 1969 or '70, they revived it in san francisco, and then they brought it here. okay, so this whole back story. we ran the show for four, five years here. and in 74, michael douglas, kirk's son, took the thing, made a movie out of it. >> stephen: he was your roommate, right, michael douglas? >> yeah, he was my roommate. >> stephen: what was he like
know. >> stephen: what's the tie rule? like the sock on the doorknob? >> yeah, the tie-- it was like a dorm room. and it was -- >> whoified the tie on more you often. >> whoever had the girl inside. >> stephen: yeah, yeah? >> and then you didn't go in. you had to hang out. >> stephen: of the tie frequently on the doorknob? >> a lot of times. >> stephen: did you sleep at a diner a lot or did he? >> i did most of the sleeping out. ( laughter ) >> stephen: thank you so much >> hey, man. >> stephen: always a pleasure. >> so nice to meet you. >> stephen: and it's never happened before. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: "the comedian" is in select cities december 2, and his short film, "curmudgeons" is available on vimeo. danny devito, everybody. we'll be right back with max greenfield. ? ? ?
oh caroline. so corporate put you up in a roadside motel. but with directv from at&t, you can download then binge watch your dvr'd shows from anywhere. or that friendly dumpster diver outside. i wouldn't sit there. it's your tv, take it with you. now you can watch your dvr anywhere, at no extra cost, with directv from at&t. our eyes...they have a 200-degree range of sight... which is good for me hey! ... and bad for the barkley twins.
cheez-it grooves are the perfect union of a cheez-it and a chip. you mean like they got married? umm... i guess... you'd make a pretty bride in that wedding gown. oh, it's a lab coat so... hey everyone, joe's getting married! bam bam ba bam... oh, i'm not... we take time for our cheese to mature... ...in our crispy cheez-it grooves. ? because aunts will do anything for a laugh. [sfx: squeaking on glass] ours can help. sc johnson. this is pepsi zero sugar. zero sugar. (ooooh) zero calories. (ooooo) but max pepsi taste. (wow) (applause) pepsi zero sugar. look how big my hands are. yeah. ooh. rawr. how much am i making for this again? hundred k. win or lose. total cake walk. ooh oooooooh!
lk my cats. no. no no no. amy, get in there and fight for your life. isn't there an easier way to make a hundred k? sure. old navy's giving away a hundred k everyday through black friday. plus it's 50% off your entire purchase. 50% off!?! you keep in touch with me, girl. i'm going to old navy. ahh! it's 50% off wednesday through friday
( cheers and applause ) >> stphen: welcome back, everybody. my next guest is an emmy- and golden globe-nominated actor who stars as schmidt on "new girl." please welcome max greenfield. ( cheers and applause ) ? ? ? >> stephen: well, max, good to see you again. >> sure. ( laughter ). >> stephen: thank you for bringing the cheesecake. >> stephen, i really did it this time. >> stephen: did you win the tour de france? why do you have a yellow jersey on? what have you done? >> it's a lot of leg there. i apologize for that. you know what color is that--
i have become officially a youth soccer referee. >> stephen: okay. ( cheers and applause ). >> thank you! you know what? >> stephen: quite an achievement. quite an achievement. >> thank you very much for that because i've been getting booed so much lately. >> stephen: and why did you do this, max? >> well, it's interesting. >> stephen: we'll find out. >> that's right. so as it turns out -- >> yeah. >> not a lot of people want to be the referee, and you wouldn't believe how much work goes into being a >> stephen: it's a thankless job. >> i had tow take all these online courses. and then i had to drive out to redondo beach which is like the equivalent of you driving out to queens. and i took this four-hour seminar at the end of which -- >> you have to-- >> there was an exam at the end. >> stephen: was there a rule book? >> yeah, skimmed through it. there was an exam at the end. and i was positive they had failed the exam.
but to everyone's surprise, including myself, i somehow passed. and i'm, like-- i honestly-- not only did i pass -- >> do you have a child by the way. >> i do. >> stephen: is this for your child's team? >> it is. i couldn't have done better on the test. and i'm watching the results come in, and i'm thinking to myself, "i can't believe this." >> stephen: so you never thought you'd actually end up beating referee. >> it was a fun bit at first. excited about it. she plays for the purple pythons. ( cheers ). >> stephen: yeah, right on! she got excited. and then my family got excited about it. and then her team got excited, their parents got excited. and before you knew it i had all of these supporters. ( laughter ) and it was-- it was-- and they were embracing me in a way that i had never been embraced before. >> stephen: so the people, the people wanted you to be the
( laughter ) but, you know, the thing was is i never thought i would actually become the referee. you know, i thought i'd take the test. i thought i'd fail. i thought i'd tell people, ," you know, look, being a referee is not for me. the test was rigged. some exaj--" but i never thought that i would actually become a referee. >> stephen: let me ask you an important question. do you have any experience refereeing? >> no. ( laughter ) >> stephen: any experience with the playing field at like-- >> no, no. i'm the least-- i'm the least qualified referee in youth so, history. i've never even-- i've never even played soccer before. ( laughter ) and, you know, i've been a ref for the last few weeks now, and people are-- people are losing their minds. and they're saying, "he's break the rules. he's breaking the rules. he's breaking the rules." i don't know the rules. i don't know what the rules are. >> stephen: but listen, you're the referee, you're the referee,
rule. i mean, by definition, if the referee does it, it's-- it-- it's referential. ( laughter ) yeah. >> yeah, i mean, pretty much. >> stephen: so now that you're in, do you feel like you're over your head? >> a little bit. ( laughter ) a little bit. i mean, i can't win. the problem is i can't win in this situation because any call i make one side goes nuts. and you should see, some of these kids, they say some very-- and their parents, too-- they say some very mean things to me, very mean things. anything back opinion the referee has to stay above all that. you have to stay above all that stuff. >> i know i should not say anything back. i should not respond. but i can't help-- i can't help myself. ( laughter ). >> stephen: well, what do you do? >> i thought i'll take it home with me. and sometimes i'll just wake up at 3:00 in the morning... ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: you don't. you don't. ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: you tweet at the little girls? >> and people keep telling me,
supposed to do." >> stephen: well, listen, have you talked to the previous referee? >> well, it was interesting because from the sideline last year, i was very critical of him. ( laughter ) i said some tough, tough things. and it turns out, after sitting down with him, he's a great guy. ( laughter ) and i underestimated his job and how complicated it is. look, the middle eastern section of the field alone is a >> stephen: wow. well, congratulations. >> thank you. >> stephen: congratulations. what an achievement. what an achievement. >> yeah. >> stephen: so do yo do you havy thoughts on the election? >> well, you know, i've actually learned a few things. >> stephen: yeah? >> from this whole experience. >> stephen: yeah, yeah? >> one, nobody wants to see me do a better job than me. really. that's true. ( laughter ) and if by some chance i do, do that-- look, if i'm even a
will immediately declare myself the greatest referee of all time and you will never hear the end of it. and i am so hoping that that's what happens. >> stephen: well, good luck. >> well, thank you. and i also think, you know, maybe, if we were a little bit nicer to our referees, just a little bit, then more qualified people would want to be the referee. ( applause ) and, perhaps, we would-- and perhaps, we would be able to seven-year-old children why all the most important calls on the field are being made by schmidt from "new girl"." >> stephen: you can see max on "new girl," which airs tuesdays on fox and on a soccer field most weekends. max greenfield, everybody. we'll be right back with a performance by ok go. ? ? ?
i just see a black screen. what are you looking at? crazy stuff, man. you've gotta see this. what--what is this? it's like some 3d virtual world. can i see? oh yai yai yai yai yai yai. whoot. applebee's buy one get one free menu means you can try this combination for just $12.49. or this one. or this one. or, well, you get the idea. buy one entr?e from the buy one get one free menu and get a second absolutely free. for a limited time. only at applebee's. but grandma, we use charmin ultra soft so we don't have to wad to get clean. charmin ultra soft gets you clean
discover card. i'm not a customer, but i'm calling about that credit scorecard. give it. sure! it's free for everyone. oh! well that's nice! oh! i'm so proud of you. well thank you. free at at discover.com/creditscorecard, even if you're not a customer. whenever i try to grow out my hair, strands always break off. but pantene is making my hair practically unbreakable. the pro-v formula makes every inch stronger. so i can love my hair longer.
? ? ? ? you're right there is nothing more lovely there's nothing more ? profound than the certainty than the certainty ? that all of this will end that all of this will end ? so open your arms to me open your arms to me ? and this will be the one moment that matters and this ? will be the one thing we
? reason to have been here and this will be the one moment that ? matters at all ? so while the mud reclaims our footprints and while our bones ? keep looking back the overgrowth is swallowing the ? path there for the grace of god go we there for the grace of ? god go we there for the grace of time and chance and entropy's ? cruel hands ? so open your arms to me open your arms to me ? and this will be the one moment that matters and this ? will be the one thing we remember and this will be the ? reason to have been here and this will be the one moment that
? so won't you stay here with me and we'll build until we've ? blistered our hands so won't you stay here with me we'll ? build us some temples we'll build us some castles we'll ? build us some monuments and burn them all right down ? ? ? ? and this will be the one moment that matters and this ? will be the one thing we remember and this will be the ? reason to have been here and this will be the one moment that ? matters at all ? and this will be the one moment that matters and this ? will be the one thing we
? reason to have been here and this will be the one moment that ? matters at all ? ? ? ? and this will be the moment that matters and this this will be the one moment that matters and this will be the one moment that matters. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: ok go's new video "the one moment" premiered on "the late show" facebook page today. ok go, everybody!
captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ? are you ready y'all to have some fun ? feel the love tonight don't you worry 'bout ? where you come from it's gonna be all right ? it's the late, late show ? ladies and gentlemen, all the way from loredo, texas, give it